i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
