My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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