Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
