Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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