you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
