the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
