have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want a musical about memes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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