the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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