you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
