Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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