the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
