your parents love me but you hate me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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