Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I can tuck mytits in my pants
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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