Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
