i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
