Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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