im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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