somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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