You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
