the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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