I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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