I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
