Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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