Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Randomize
