i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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