just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
