Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
