you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
