I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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