the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
