I heard we made out
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
