tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
