I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
