well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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