Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
