You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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