Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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