Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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