Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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