I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
