Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
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Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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