you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
