In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
