and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
