R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Me. At least after what I've been through.
there's paper in my vomit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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