Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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