she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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