oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Someone signed my nipple.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
