boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
