Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Holy shit dude........stairs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
