If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
