Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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