Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
