i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We're not piercing ourselves today.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
