i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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