Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
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So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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