I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
