Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
