Cold hands, warm shart.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
