dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
