Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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